Infertility is a constant stream of unknowns, bad news, ups and downs, hope and hopelessness. When you finally have good news, it can feel temporary. You are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop.
When Bad News Becomes Normal
It took me a lot of work on myself to realize that not everyone feels this way! That this is a product of the grief, guilt, anxiety, and fear that plagues us through infertility and loss. For many years, I was told how rare I was…for the bad stuff. But I was constantly being told I was in the 1% of negative outcomes.
And honestly, I call BS. There is no possible way I was that unlucky, that many times. I personally think those stats are not correct, and skewed towards a fertile population. But every diagnosis seemed to baffle my doctors, and I thought – how? How can I be this alone?
No One Deserves This
But I was never alone. I just felt isolated. Because infertility is lonely. And it makes you feel that nothing good can last.
When I would get pregnant, I was cautiously optimistic. And when I miscarried, I got to the point where I wasn’t even surprised. I was devastated. And I felt that I would never find true happiness again. I felt numb. But I was not surprised.
And that SUCKS.
That is horrible. No one deserves to feel that way. It shouldn’t be normal to feel so low.
A New Realization
When I finally had my boys, I realized something very important: it could all be okay. I did not have to be on edge, waiting for bad news. I did not have to let my anxiety and fears win. And that doesn’t mean those feelings ceased to exist – but I did not want them to take over anymore.
I remember laying in bed, with my boys asleep, waiting to fall asleep too. And I laid there, paralyzed by my anxiety. Was that a cry? Are they too quiet? Are they breathing? Should I check on them?
And I would fall into vivid, terrifying nightmares. I constantly dreamed that people were breaking into our home, and taking our children. I couldn’t move, I was helpless. And I’d wake up drenched in tears, terrified to fall back asleep.
You Deserve Support
THIS IS NOT OKAY. I deserved better. And so do you.
I know that it can be easy to feel an immense amount of guilt when you finally become a mom after or during infertility. You feel that you have to be grateful for your child. You should not ask for help. And don’t think about complaining.
But those are all lies. And it took me a lot of work to get there. Which is why I have poured my heart and soul into my own program for those who have become moms through infertility. If you are a mom still going through infertility, or if you feel your family is complete – I am here for you.
When I say “after infertility”, I want to be clear. Having a child does not “fix” infertility, many are still infertile after having a child. And many don’t have a choice with how many children they have. I understand that. And I am here for you. You don’t have to do this alone. You deserve better.
