I read somewhere that the postpartum period is actually two years long. And as my youngest son turns 2 tomorrow, I can confirm that I agree. There is a lot of discrepancy around how long someone is considered “postpartum”, up to 3 years in some studies focusing on postpartum depression and anxiety, but I think there’s a lot missing here.

Postpartum Lies

First of all, the whole 4-6 week lie needs to go. No one “bounces back” after 4-6 weeks. Yes, some people may lose weight quicker than others, but it’s not just about physical appearance. In fact, I think it’s more about what’s going on mentally than anything else.

Motherhood has changed me. I am not the same person I was before. But it’s not just because of having my boys. It’s because of the journey I took to get here. Infertility and pregnancy loss changed me just as much as motherhood.

My Postpartum Story

I went through infertility treatments to have my first son, who was born in 2017. During my “postpartum” period of time with him, I was desperately trying to have a second child. I spent over three years going through seemingly endless treatments, doctors appointments, and blood draws. Three years of mandated time off from treatments, failed transfers, canceled cycles, miscarriages, and finally a surrogacy journey.

Going through postpartum while simultaneously experiencing infertility and loss makes it impossible to grasp that you’ll ever feel like yourself again. You feel forever changed, forever disconnected.

When we finally had our second son via surrogacy, I experienced postpartum anxiety. I did not know this was possible without giving birth. But it can and does happen to non-birthing parents. And that needs to be talked about more. Even if you don’t give birth, you deserve support as a new parent in every way.

Pregnancy After Loss

Four months after my second son was born, I found out that I was pregnant with my third son. And this is where I struggle to be honest. I want to say that I was only elated, grateful, overjoyed. I had begged to be pregnant again, and here it was – I was getting my wish! And a third son? After we didn’t think even two would be possible… it was a miracle. And I absolutely felt that way.

But I also felt other things. I felt scared and disconnected, terrified that I would lose yet another pregnancy, and I knew I could not handle that. That’s why we had stopped treatments and pursued surrogacy. I could not handle another loss. I couldn’t even fathom how I would react to losing another wanted baby.

Feeling All Of It At Once

And with all of these emotions, I also felt overwhelmed. How was I going to parent three young children? How was I going to take care of a newborn and a one year old? I had a lot of guilt about these thoughts. How dare I think that? I should be grateful – this is what I wanted, and what so many people wish for!

But here’s another admission: I did not enjoy being pregnant again. And that made me endlessly angry. I had to grieve not being pregnant with my second son. I still wish I had been able to carry him. So why wasn’t I enjoying pregnancy? I finally had everything I wanted, why couldn’t I just be grateful and happy?

Being Kinder To Myself

You know why not? Because that’s just not how it works. And that’s okay.

I put too much pressure on myself to move from the trauma of infertility and loss to the joy of pregnancy and children. I didn’t allow for an in between. In reality, I needed to let myself feel it all. And I was also having a hard time believing we would really have our third son. So I think I was trying not to get too attached, while I was absolutely, completely attached.

I was pregnant with my first son before loss, and pregnant with my third son after all of the trauma. Two completely different experiences. I had built up pregnancy in my mind, put it on a pedestal. And it needed to be knocked down. I needed to stop pressuring myself to have a specific type of experience.

The Birth Story Teaser…

When I finally gave birth to my second son, I genuinely did feel at peace. I was induced at 39 weeks and 1 day, and was lucky to have a very smooth birth. I will tell the full birth story tomorrow, but as a little teaser, the doctor said something I will never forget. As soon as my son was born, she said “wow, your body was made to give birth”. I turned to my husband, and laughed.