Infertility changed me. There’s no denying that. But for a long time, I’ve seen that as a negative thing. I did not want to change. I wanted to go back to who I used to be. But I have learned something along the way. I am changed by infertility, but I am not defined by it.

This is a very brief overview of the last 9 years of holidays. How I felt, what we went through, and why I know I changed. Infertility will make you feel broken. I felt broken. But I was never broken. I was changed.

Starting Our Family

In late 2015, my husband and I had been trying to have a baby for a few months. My mom and other family members always talked about how easily they had children. So, I naively believed I would get pregnant quickly and easily too. I was very wrong. But at this point, I was wondering why I wasn’t getting a cycle at all, and I wasn’t pregnant. It was immediately confusing. How could I get no period AND not be pregnant? I felt the torture beginning.

At the end of 2016, I was heavily pregnant with our IVF miracle boy. We had done IVF earlier that year, and we got extremely lucky. Our first, fresh transfer worked, and our baby boy was due very soon. I was extremely happy. Again, I believed we could have as many children as we wanted. I thought IVF was the answer.

Towards the end of 2017, we were experiencing our first holiday season with our firstborn. It was magical and wonderful. And we started to visit the doctor in the hopes of growing our family. At this point, I had no worries or expectations of bad news again. Although we needed IVF for our first son, it had gone so well that I thought it would go well again. I had no idea that we were about to enter the worst year of our lives.

The Depths of Infertility

2018 was hell. Well, it’s confusing. On the one hand, it was magical and beautiful, as our first baby boy turned 1. We were enjoying life with him. But it was simultaneously the worst year of my life thus far. We spent the year trying (and failing) to have a second child. I say the word fail on purpose. While I understand it wasn’t my fault, I felt like a failure. It felt like my fault.

We experienced two canceled cycles and lots of waiting. I spent Halloween (which I wanted to enjoy with my baby boy) on bedrest after an embryo transfer, which I miscarried weeks later. Devastated doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt. I was numb. I felt hopeless. At this point, I really did not see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Motherhood During Infertility

Experiencing infertility while you’re parenting is extremely difficult. I felt I couldn’t complain because I already had a child. But I desperately needed support. Secondary infertility is confusing. Motherhood during infertility is guilt, grief, gratitude, and joy all co-existing, all of the time. It’s too much.

By the end of 2019, nothing was better. I started off the year with a surgery to correct Asherman’s Syndrome, and I spent my son’s 2nd birthday party with a balloon in my uterus, days after surgery. This was a desperate attempt to finally try to get pregnant again.

There is a misconception that IVF always works, and that it’s a simple solution. I naively believed this once. And it can be for some people – but not for everyone. Not for me. For people without fertility issues, a woman technically has 12 chances a year to get pregnant. Even with IVF, I had about one chance a year. ONE shot. That’s how long it would take for my body to prepare.

The Beginning of the End

So losses felt even heavier. I waited and waited, and still got bad news. Again and again. After another failed transfer, we didn’t know how much more we could take. My doctor suggested surrogacy, and we started to consider it. Before we did, I prepared my body for one more frozen embryo transfer. One last shot to get pregnant myself.

And I did. Until I didn’t. Another miscarriage. Another failure. Yet another loss. I could not handle it anymore. So we started the surrogacy process.

When We Finally Had Good News 

Another year made changed a lot in our lives. By the end of 2020, we had our second son in our arms, thanks to our amazing surrogate. The holidays were quiet because of the pandemic, but we were happy. We had our two boys, our family was finally complete.

In 2021, we received another surprise. But this time, it was pure joy. In the spring of 2021, I found out I was pregnant. Without IVF. And just to be clear – I did not get pregnant because I was finally relaxed. I need to clear that up, because that’s what SO many people say to me. And it’s never funny, it’s actually just annoying.

Pregnancy After Infertility and Loss

I was not relaxed. I was anxious, and deep in postpartum anxiety. Yes, you can get postpartum anxiety or depression without being the birthing parent. You don’t have to be a woman to experience it, and you don’t have to give birth. This was quite the shock to me, but I got help, and made it through to the other side.

But just as I started to get a handle on my anxiety, I found out I was pregnant. And I have a hard time being honest about my feelings here, because I was absolutely elated. This was a miracle, and I was extremely grateful. But I was also terrified. I had been trained to believe that good news was temporary, and I didn’t believe we’d really meet this baby.

With the help of a lot of doctors and as I worked through my anxiety and fears, my baby boy thrived. And in early 2022, we welcomed him into our family. Now, our family is really complete. But that’s not the end of my story.

Changed, Not Defined

Over the past two years, I’ve been navigating how to parent after years of uncertainty, loss, pain, grief, anxiety, fear, and more. And feelings can continue to ebb and flow. I am still triggered when my kids get sick, or cry in fear. I still have to remind myself that I can fit in with other moms, my path to motherhood doesn’t define me or my kids. But I will also continue to embrace all of it. Because it has changed me, and that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I can thrive in motherhood after infertility, and so can you.