Today was a rough day emotionally. It felt heavy with grief and I just felt off overall. And I hate that feeling. I remember feeling this way as a kid – feeling angry or upset without explanation. Of course, in hindsight, I had a lot of explanations for those feelings as a kid. But that’s a story for another time. Today, I saw how far I have come.

Grief Still Surprises Me

I have three beautiful little boys, but I still have grief sometimes. Not always, not every day. But some days feel heavy for seemingly no reason. And then I remember – I have been through a lot. My path to motherhood was extremely difficult, and it’s easy to tell myself I should just be grateful now. But I can be grateful, and still have grief to work through.

My first son was born via IVF, before any loss. Although IVF is absolutely not a simple path to parenthood, our journey went as smoothly as it could have. In fact, I genuinely did not believe I was really in the infertility community at that point. We did one round of IVF, a fresh transfer, and had our son. It was as easy as it could have been, given the circumstances.

The Difficult Years

And then it wasn’t. The years of canceled cycles, medical gaslighting from our clinic in 2018, recurrent pregnancy losses, failed transfers, and more took a huge toll on me. And when we finally pursued surrogacy, that was complicated in its own way. It was beautiful and wonderful, and I’m forever grateful to our incredible gestational carrier, but it was also riddled with grief and anxiety.

When my second son was finally born, I felt a confusing mix of joy and anxiety. Gratitude and fear. Grief and happiness. And then anger. ALL I wanted to feel were the “good” feelings. And this continued as I became pregnant with our third son, and dealt with pregnancy after infertility and loss.

Beginning The Fight

This led me down a path of discovery to find that there’s no such thing as a good feeling – all feelings are valid. This discovery has helped me as a woman, a mother, a person, and now a coach to other moms. And although I’ve done a lot of work to get where I am – some days can still feel heavier than others.

But now I know that I can do something about it. I was honest with myself about how I felt. I let myself feel my feelings. Then, I went for a walk. I cried. I clenched my fists. And I let it out. I let it go. And I allowed myself to feel truly present – watching my boys play, learn, laugh, and love.

You Deserve This, Too

Motherhood with infertility is incredibly confusing. No two days are the same. And even as you start to get a handle on things, you can feel everything slipping away again. But trust me – you’ve got this. And you do not have to, and should not, do this alone.

You have put everything into getting here. Let me help you find yourself again. Let me help you learn how to help yourself in these moments. You deserve this. You are worthy of this. I promise, you can do it. Just reach out. Let me help you get started, and show you the way.